Whilst I was appearing on BBC Scotland and promoting my book, Great Chat: Seven Lessons for Better Conversations, Deeper Connections and Improved Wellbeing, I heard a story that shook me.
A journalist called in to the show to say they went to a wedding alone, and after trying to make conversation with fellow guests, she gave up and spent most of the night alone in a toilet cubicle reading a book. I couldn’t believe it at first, but I really wasn’t surprised.
This story shows we all need to take responsibility to make great chat happen. You may not be in the mood, but especially on someone else’s ‘best day of their life’, effort is non-negotiable. After all, you really never know who you are going to meet.
That person sitting next to you at the wedding breakfast, or the person you bump into at the bar, could be your next partner, your next one-night sensation, your new best friend, or your future boss— you never know unless you start chatting. Heck, I have gone to weddings and made best friends for life, and even come away with a hen do and wedding invite from someone who I hadn’t met before. (And yes, I went to both, and we are still best pals now!).
Using some of the lessons from my book Great Chat, here’s how to have a great chat at any wedding…
Don’t ask personal questions straight away…
If you are going to a wedding— whether alone or with a plus one— don’t fall into the habit of asking someone if they have a partner if they are on their own, or if you meet someone who is with their partner, if they are going to have a baby. Many people lazily ask personal questions as a way to connect to someone quickly, but it can have the opposite effect. You never know what their feelings are about their relationship status or their fertility. These questions aren’t actually good for small talk, and you have no right to someone’s personal life or their womb. Questions like this immediately create a barrier to connection.
So instead of getting personal straight away, I prefer asking open-ended questions like “What piece of advice do you think you should give a newly married couple?” or “What do you love most about the couple?” These questions are unintrusive, give people the space to answer as specifically as they choose, and they might reveal something that really stays with you, making for a memorable, friendly and comfortable chat.
In any situation, open-ended questions enable people to reveal parts of themselves that they want to talk about, and give a more positive space which could lead to many conversation avenues.
Stuck for chat? Use the free information around you…
If you are stuck and don’t know what to say, always use the free information around you to get the chat going. For example, if you find yourself standing with someone you have never met before, that person also knows the person whose wedding it is, so ask how they know them. That will always come up with an interesting story and lead to other conversations.
If the person you’re chatting to knows the couple from university, you can then ask, “What were they like at university?” and “What did you go on to do next?” It all starts to build a picture of the other person and their life— and you might just get some great gossip about your friend too!
Listen twice as much as you talk…
We focus a lot on how it’s good to talk, but it’s even better to listen. We need to become active listeners, which means focusing entirely on the person you are conversing with— not everything else going on around them.
Don’t just ‘listen’ whilst waiting for your opportunity to talk, and if you are going to ask the question, truly listen to the answer. There is no quicker way to show you care about someone than truly listening to them.
Get off your phone…
You’ve taken a snap of the couple in about five different locations, and you have the video of the best man speech; now, put your phone away. How many times have you found yourself at a wedding breakfast table, and looked around to find everyone scrolling on their phones?
Being on your phone is a barrier to connection, and whilst we are on the topic of active listening, being on your phone shows you aren’t listening. I call going on your phone during a conversation, ‘moglecting’: neglecting a conversation in favour of your mobile. Even if you are not on your phone and it’s turned over on the table, you are still moglecting. It shows that your phone is the most important thing to you so put it away— or better yet, don’t take one at all— and be entirely present and open to conversation.
Have an exit strategy up your sleeve…
Caught with the awkward aunt or the creepy uncle? Always have a clear plan of action. This also helps if you are nervous to socialise or feeling anxious. It can help to think of conversation as a structure, a blueprint you can work from and lean on when you are nervous.
Picture a conversation like a sandwich— this is what the entire first lesson in my book is based on.
It’s not about what you say in a conversation, it’s how you frame it. Or, as I like to think of it: it’s not just about the filling, it’s how you sandwich it. When you think about that mouth-watering sandwich, the filling is objectively the reason you chose it. The same goes for conversations. We come for the gossip and the topics that build deep and meaningful connections: the satisfying core of the chat. But, you can’t build a great chat or a connection without the slices either side.
You need the first slice to get the conversation going, so that’s the warm up, the hellos, the how are you’s. Then you hit them with the filling: the questions, the back and forth, the hot gossip, the DMCs, whatever that may be. Then there is the final slice— the tactful exits, and the warm and friendly goodbyes to leave a lasting impression— and this can be the most anxiety-inducing part.
So, have a go-to exit strategy up your sleeve with statements like, “it was so great talking with you, but I promised myself I was going to circulate today, hope we run into each other again soon,” which you can use when you have had enough. Practice makes perfect, truly.
Feeling anxious?
Tell yourself some chat-irmations. If you are nervous to socialise at a wedding or nervous to bump into your ex-squeeze from university who is also on the guest list, you will likely be telling yourself negative things like, “I am so nervous to do this”, “what happens if I embarrass myself?” and “I can’t do this”.
But you can do this, and that starts with making sure your inner monologue is as positive as possible. So tell yourself chat-irmations like, “I am confident,” or “People should be and will be interested in me,” over and over again, and you will start to believe it and feel it. Your subconscious can’t tell the difference between a truth and a lie, so start telling yourself YOU ARE CONFIDENT. That ex from university will be regretting the day he went off with Sarah from his seminar class.
For more tips, check out Josh’s book Great Chat: Seven Lessons for Better Conversations, Deeper Connections and Improved Wellbeing, available now.
